Boundaries

Not so long ago, just over six weeks, I gave birth to the most handsome little twin boys. Yes, I’m bias. With these twins have come many sleepless nights. O.K., all of them have been. I am exhausted.

Through this time, many family and friends have been so kind in offering to come help and a few have come and stayed for a couple days so I can catch up on some sleep, or try to. It is greatly appreciated. I did indeed get sleep that I would not have gotten otherwise. 

However, it has become a pattern, that after these helpers leave, there is this list left or sent to me via text. This list contains “suggestions” and “advice.”

Now, this is not my first rodeo, I have a toddler, I’ve been through the baby stage, I know what I’m doing in regards to raising an infant. The first one turned out pretty well, so I know how I want to aim to raise these two. That being said, this list has things like “drink lots and lots, if you don’t put anything in, they can’t get anything out.” 1) that person has never breastfed before. 2) that’s not new news to anyone who’s breastfed. 3) I’m not just feeding one, but two, so excuse me if my supply is low on occasion. When one decides to take a growth spurt, he doesn’t leave much for the other. Though this is just meant to be a friendly reminder, I do not find it encouraging or helpful, but I’ll save my breastfeeding rant for another post. 

Other things have been included, such as my husband should do this or that and generally help out more. This one really aggravates me. You are not to decide what is deemed fit in my marriage and how our roles are divied up. My husband has basically put his schooling on hold for the past 6 weeks and has fallen behind significantly to stay home and help me. Though he got extensions and there have been/are holiday breaks for him to get things done at a slower pace, he still has put his family first. Being that he is a student and not working his butt off at a dead end job somehow makes him less of a man and a husband that insufficiently helps me out to the people around us. This I don’t understand. He is taking this time in our lives to better himself so he doesn’t end up like everyone else, it’s just as much time and energy as a regular job, so someday he won’t have to settle for a regular job. So please, do us a favor and keep your misunderstood/uneducated accusations to yourself. He is helping me out night and day as he can.

Another item was the life schedule of my toddler. Even before the twins, we didn’t have much of a schedule and the whole day doesn’t need to be time blocked. He’s fairly consistent when he wakes up, goes to bed, naps, and eats. Just not while you’re here because he’s excited and things are different. Don’t assume things based on your couple day stay. He is a toddler. He needs randomness and spur of the moment things to keep him going/accupied. I need that and I’m in my twenties! 

We greatly appreciate the meals that have been brought to us, hot and ready. They were eaten right away, when there wasnt much time or energy for either of us to cook. When you offer to bring a meal, it’s a huge burden off my shoulders for one night, that gives me a little more time to spend with my boys or have a few minutes to myself. That being said, if I’m told there is a meal coming, I expect it to be ready to eat or it just needs heated up. On more than one occasion, a meal was dropped at dinner time, frozen. This is not helpful. If you are going to bring a frozen meal, please specify and communicate that to the recipient. It was already dinner time and we were counting on eating right away once the food got here… Now, it’s rush around and figure something out so my oldest can eat, bathe, and get to bed. Meanwhile he’s running around being a cranky butt because “I ont dinner.”  This adds stress and craziness to an already stressed out, exhausted family.

Clean-up. Clean-up. Everybody do your share… Thank you for doing our dishes. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you. So you put things in the wrong cupboard, that’s okay… This isn’t your house, I keep things in weird spots from lack of storage, I completely understand, I will find it, not a problem. What is a problem is when you go through my fridge, throwing out anything you want without consulting, and putting things in the fridge that do not need to be there. I jokingly look in the fridge for lost items, mostly to remind myself I’m still sane to a degree. When things actually appear in there unnecessarily, it confuses my “mommy brain” so please, if it wasn’t in there before, don’t move it. 

It’s hard enough to ask for and accept help most of the time, so make it easier on me by being a little more considerate and don’t passive-aggressively leave “life advice” after you leave. It’s not in the slightest bit encouraging or helpful. Communicate & if it’s not broke… Please don’t fix it, it’s not yours to fix.

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